if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
