i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
