she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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