You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
