I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Sober January is a disaster.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
