im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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