I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
