my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
