The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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