32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
