can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize
