she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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