What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
