Got a toothbrush?
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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