we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
