i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
