based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
