he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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