thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
