If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
