A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
