My liver just broke up with me...
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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