im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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