Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
