u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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