I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
