so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
