yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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