he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
