well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
