My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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