Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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