my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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