I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
