I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
