I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
it's like heaven, but drunker
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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