i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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