I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
