i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
