I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
