I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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