hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
