Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
