Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
