Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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