Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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