He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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