why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
