Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
