is your mom at the bar?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
