ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
